First off lets point out this is only taking into account the movies only so don’t expect to find Duckula in this list. Second this list is purely an excuse for me to rip into Twilight’s Edward Cullen. If Saved By The Bell was a  measurement of vampire cool Cullen would be Screech. But the following guys are pure Zack Morris…

10. Nosferatu (Max Shreck) – Noseferatu, A Symphony of Horror

What’s that Nosferatu at the bottom of the list? Well, yes, cause despite how scary how Nosferatu is — and he is very scary — this is a list celebrating the coolest vampires in movie history and I think we can all agree Nosferatu is no Fonz. But at least he’s not Ralf Malph like Edward Cullen.

9. Dracula (Bela Lugosi) – Dracula

Again another big hitter goes out early. Yes, Dracula’s the daddy but he’s not exactly cutting edge. I mean I love capes as much as the next guy but there’s a time and a place and that was 19th century Eastern Europe. However what Dracula does have working for him is a bunch of gnarly powers — he can turn himself into a bat, a wolf and even fog. Cullen you’ve just got high cheekbones.

8. Marlow (Danny Huston) – 30 Days of Night

Okay so Marlow has a whole Neil Tennant-look going against him but he can play vinyl using just his fingernails! Dude, forget about blood-letting in Alaska  get yourself down to Ibiza and unleash your mad scratching skills on some decks.

7. Reinhardt (Ron Perlman) – Blade 2

Blade misses out because of the half human thing so instead here’s Reinhardt who’s good at gags but shit with a sword.

6. Lestat (Tom Cruise) – Interview With A Vampire

Possibly Tom Cruise’s best performance apart from that movie where he told people to “respect willys” .

5. Blacula (William Marshall) – Blacula

If Blacula ever saw Cullen, he’d be spinning in his grave if he wasn’t impaled to the coffin, decapitated and burnt to a crisp.

4. Severen (Bill Paxton) – Near Dark

Yes Severen  is clearly a psychopath but he’s also funny and very, very quotable.

3. Jerry Dandrige (Chris Sarandon) – Fright Night

Not only did Dandrige do the whole sweater thing at a disco seven years before Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct. Dandrige even makes it look good.

2. David (Kiefer Sutherland) – The Lost Boys

Okay, so you wouldn’t take a box of noodles off him but David’s got leathers, a motorbike and is mates with Bill S. Preston. Esq. What you got Cullen? You’ve got nothing.

1. Santanico Pandemonium (Salma Hayek) – Dusk Till Dawn

Like this even needs an explanation.

What’s going on?

We’re doing a Q & A session.

Really?

We need some filler on the blog about screenwriting — we can’t just keep posting YouTube clips.

I know but this whole interviewing myself? Isn’t it a bit…

Mental? No. Okay maybe a little.  But it’s not like we’re writing wearing a  cape made from human skin. Besides this way is quirky — way more fun than your usual sub-par Adrian Mole efforts.

Fine.

So what you’re writing at the moment?

Well I am about to start another draft of The Perfect Guy.

Isn’t that the romantic comedy that’s been optioned by AV Pictures?

Yes, it is.

Don’t you think perhaps you go on about that a bit too much? I mean well done and all but — you know — change the record once in a while. I mean are you writing anything else?

I’m half-way through the first draft of a micro-budget slasher movie. Sorry — you think I go on too much about The Perfect Guy?

Perhaps a tad. I mean for instance — YOU’RE FRICKING TALKING ABOUT IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW!

So my slasher movie is set in the one location because it aims to be made on a micro-budget. Horror suits micro-budget really well because it’s not a genre that needs stars attached for it to be successful. I mean look at Paranormal Activity.

I can’t because we haven’t seen it yet cause you’re too scared to go.

I’m not “too scared to go”.

So why haven’t we seen it?

I’m A Celebrity… has been  really good this year.

Girl. Okay tell me some more about your slasher script.

It is a really fun writing experience. The only thing I like more than my characters is  killing them off. Also I’ve tried to do something a bit different with the killer. I mean the antagonist in a slasher movie is usually your Jason/Michael Myers types — you know a big guy who’s slow and lumbering. I’ve tried to create a killer who’s a bit different.

Please say it’s a  dwarf with a chainsaw.

It’s not a dwarf with a chainsaw.

Shame. How’s the stand-up going?

Yeah, I’ve stopped. But before you start mocking me can I explain and say that –

“Stopped”? A gnat’s digestion period isn’t as short your stand-up career.

Okay.

Even Paris Hilton’s movie career was longer.

Right.

Shorty MacShort, who shortly held the world record for shortest pair of shorts before being beaten by his son wee Shorty MacShorty Jnr  wasn’t as short as your stand-up career. Okay mocking done,  now you can explain.

I’m focusing all my time on writing features now. I’m no longer writing sketches or sitcoms which was the whole reason why I began doing stand-up in the first place — so it would bring on my comedy writing.

What made you decide on this change of direction?

I was at SWF. You know the Screenwriters Festival?

Yes, I do know what SWF stands for. Idiot.

Right. Anyway the big lesson that I took away from the four days was to be more focused in achieving my overall goals. So I asked myself was writing sitcoms moving me nearer to them? I realised no.

Deep stuff. You seen the trailer for the new JCVD movie? Not only does he star in it, but he also wrote and directed it! Bet he can do stand-up too.

Anything else you want to discuss or can we stop this carnival of embarrassments.

You applying for the Guiding Lights scheme?

Yes I’m applying again.

“Again”. Oh yes I remember now, you got rejected last year.

I hate you so much.

Cardiff’s been wetter than Atlantis this week so in tribute to this feckin’ terrible weather here’s some sea monsters.

10. Rhedosaurus (The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms)

Back in the day when monster movies were monster movies. Although it does make me crave Chewits.

9. Mako Sharks (Deep Blue Sea)

Rene Harlin’s best movie? Not hard but this a modern B-Movie classic.

And no one saw this coming…

8. Flying Piranhas (Piranha 2: The Spawning)

Next month when you marvel at Avatar, remember this is what Cameron was making 28 years ago. Best fish out of water story ever… snarf.

7. Giant Octopus (It Came From Beneath The Sea)

Ray Harryhausen is God. That is all.

6. Alligator (Alligator)

The first time I saw this movie was years ago on BBC 2’s  Moviedrome with Alex Cox (now that’s a show they should bring back) and it is the best alligator/crocodile movie ever.

5. Giant Worms (Deep Rising)

Despite Van Helsing being the most wasted opportunity in cinema history, I will always have a soft-spot for Stephen Sommers because of this. Lots and lots of monstrous fun.

4. The Kraken (Clash of The Titans)

Again. Ray Harryhausen is God. That is all.

By the way. When doing these montages I tend to avoid YouTube clips that have been manipulated but this is a slice of  Frank Black inspired awesomeness.

3. The Gill Man (Creature From The Black Lagoon)

The last of the great Universal Monster’s to make an appearance in film, Creature From The Black Lagoon is easily up there with their best films. If you;ve never seen it check it out now before the Breck Eisner remake which he wants to be an “aggressive sci-fi horror film in the vein of Alien”. Sounds class.

2. Great White Shark (Jaws)

Yes you know how good this movie is and you know how bad Jaws 4 was. Still doesn’t stop Jaws being the hungriest sea-beast ever since Vegas Elvis in Speedos.

1. Godzilla (Godzilla)

His name means “King of the Monsters” how could he possibly not be number one. Okay, so I may have committed a cardinal sin by featuring a clip from the Hollywood travesty rather than one from the classic Showa series but this teaser trailer is so good it actually fooled me into thinking the movie was going to be good. Shame on you Roland Emmerich. Shame on you.

You’re travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of vampires and werewolves but of “angst-ridden” teenagers; a journey into a mind-numbingly dull land whose boundaries are that of a limited- imagination — Next stop, The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

I love vampires. I really love werewolves. And even I used to watch “COUGH” Dawson Creek. But Twilight, honestly, what’s the appeal?

I admit I haven’t read the books, I didn’t even see the first film so maybe I’m doing it a disservice but people — this movie has no drama. Sure there are plenty of opportunities for a spot of conflict but New Moon seems to avoid them at any cost.

For instance Edward (vampire) leaves Bella (not a vampire) because he thinks her life will be safer with him not in it. Unfortunately Edward can move reallyfast (apart from when his character is introduced and then that’s a very bad slo-mo job) therefore Bella doesn’t even get an opportunity to plead for him not to go. No instead she has a kip in the woods — as you do.

Meanwhile the film’s best moment is a rather thrilling chase when Victoria, a vampire who wants to kill Bella, is being hunted down by pack of werewolves. This though is Victoria’s only scene in the film so we don’t even get the scene with her trying to kill Bella. Which you know might have been exciting.

Worse the much hyped hook of the movie – the battle for Bella’s heart between Team Edward or Team Jacob (yeah, don’t pretend you don’t know) never really develops into a situation, that you know is kind of dramatic, like Bella being torn between the two. You always knew the moment Edward turned up, Bella would be like “Wolf-boy who?”.

I guess once you go vamp…

Me, personally? Team Jacob all the way, baby. He’s the film’s most interesting character, who undergoes the biggest arc which all, very frustratingly, happens off-screen.

Things finally kick off when Bella flies to Italy to stop Edward from committing suicide and we’re introduced to Michael Sheen playing the leader of the vampires who looks just like Michael Sheen, sans goatee, playing the leader of the werewolves in Underworld. Edward and Bella are then about to be killed but Michael Sheen spares their lives not because of anything they do but because of what they are going to do in the future. Yes show Robert McKee this deus ex machina and watch him go all Scanners.

I’m reliably informed by the wife, that this is the dullest book of the Twilight saga. Even if this is the case, it’s no excuse to make a dull movie. This could have been a great opportunity to take the original source material and improve on it which screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg has previously done when adapting the fabulous Dexter for TV. But New Moon has made over $140 million on its opening weekend in the USA which tells me on thing…

Go Team Edward!

“Show a lot of things happening at once,
Remind everyone of what’s going on (what’s going on?)
And with every shot you show a little improvement
To show it all would take to long
That’s called a montage (montage)
Oh we want montage (montage)”

Montage, Team America: World Police

This Top Ten could easily have been populated with montages taken from one particular film series but not wanting to limit this to just clips of people getting gradually better at chasing chickens, I’ve mixed things up a little. Besides montages aren’t just employed in action films for training sequences (although they do take up six of the ten positions); they’re also a great way of introducing characters quickly and my particular favourite — suiting up scenes.

The other about a great montage is that it’s not just about what’s on the screen — music makes the montage.

10. Cobra

Stallone’s first, but obviously not last, appearance on the list is this wonderful piece of randomness from this underrated action masterpiece. As Lieutenant Marion ‘Cobra’ Cobretti, Stallone looks for leads to a serial killer by chatting to hookers while Bridget Nielsen — who I’m guessing is meant to be the “angel of the city” — does a photoshoot with some robots. Obviously.

9. Never Back Down

You can find out what I thought about The MMA Kid when I reviewed it last year. This isn’t the best training sequence ever but gets bonus points for at least being an action movie made this century that actually features a montage.

8. Rocky Balboa

Rocky Balboa on the other hand doesn’t need the bonus points. This is a fantastic training montage aided by Tony Burton’s cool opening monologue and paying tribute to the great training sequences of the past five films.

7. Kickboxer

Van Damme may be no De Niro but neither has been De Niro over the last ten years or so. And when was the last time De Niro did a jumping round house kick? Never — that’s when. Therefore bask in the feet flying glory of – Van Damme’s best-ever training montage. Warning there are multiple moments that will make your eyes’ water.

6. The Monster Squad

Dracula, The Wolfman, The Mummy, The Gill Man and Frankenstein’s Monster have all invaded your town — what in the name of Van Helsing’s beard are you going to do? Well worry no more because this fab montage from The Monster Squad tells you everything you need to do.

5. Commando

The best “suiting up” scene ever filmed — this is epic. Lock ‘n’ load doesn’t even cover it.

4. No Retreat, No Surrender

If you’ve never seen No Retreat, No Surrender then you haven’t really lived. One watch of this piece of genius from 1986 and it’s like you’ve taken Morpheus’ red pill — the world that you know will cease to exist. Not only does it rip off The Karate Kid and Rocky IV — bullied teenager takes on the Russian martial-artist (played by JCVD) responsible for crippling his father — but it also features the ghost of Bruce Lee playing the Miyagi-mentor role. So, yes, I cannot recommend this movie highly enough.

3. Rocky II

Blood, sweat and chickens. It’s good. It is so very good…

2. Rocky IV

… but not quite good enough to beat this effort. Musically speaking “Heart’s on Fire” is not as anthemic as “Eye of the Tiger” or as rousing as Bill Conti’s “Gonna Fly Now”,  but John Cafferty’s song certainly does the job. Yet what makes this best Rocky training sequence ever though is the cunning juxtapositioning of Rocky’s training methods versus Drago’s. Drago all science and machinery against Rocky’s nature and horsecart lifting approach. We knew the fight was in the bag for Rocky when he climbs to the top of a mountain while Drago quits with his treadmill on a level 5 incline setting. Heart’s on fire indeed! No wait. It may be my sex again.

1. The Karate Kid

Rocky Balboa may be able to beat Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago and Tommy “The Machine” Gunn but Daniel Larusso wipes the floor with him with this marvellous montage of the All Valley Karate Championship which features more moves than Garry Kasparov. Yet what really gives this montage the edge is Joe Esposito “You’re The Best” — it’s like a crane kick to the ears –  and despite yourself you can’t help but root for Daniel as he goes through Cobra Kai students quicker than a fourteen year-old with a four-pack of WKD.

So last month I found myself in a basement next to Charing Cross station with The Man, The Legend — Bill Martell. Now if you’re unfamiliar with Bill I should explain why I’m such a massive fan but I’m too lazy. Besides one read of Bill’s blog or his site Script Secrets do him far more justice than I ever could because as most of you already know they are essential reading.

Apart from the draw of Bill himself, the other reason I was there, was because, for the first time, he was covering theme as part of his Script Secrets: The Big Idea course. Theme in the past has been something that I’ve been a little bit fuzzy about — I can tell you what my script is about BUT ask me about what the theme is…?

According to Bill, theme is the point of the story — the larger reason behind it. Once you know the theme you can add scenes and characters that link to it — you can put clues in. Theme connects on an unconscious level so you shouldn’t try and hammer it home to the reader. Bill then used Ghost to explain “theme” in further depth.

• Ghost is about a dead man not being able to tell the woman he loves her life is in danger. Therefore the central theme of Ghost is communication.
• The first scene of the film symbolically represents the theme as Sam, Molly and Carl knock down a wall when renovating an apartment — the rest of the film is about Sam breaking down the walls of communication.
• In a screenplay there are three places to find theme.

1. The major decision your protagonist has to make in the script — Sam needs to find a way to communicate to Maggie that her life is in danger.
2. The major difference between your protagonist and antagonist — Carl is a manipulator and good at communication in a negative way.Thus Carl is the opposite of Sam hence he is the antagonist.
3. Protagonist’s emotional issues or character arc – Sam being unable to tell Molly that he loves her.

• Theme can be explored in the film’s physical conflict like when Sam is unable to warn Maggie that the man who murdered him, Willie Lopez, is in the apartment.
• Sub-plots should also be used to explore theme in Ghost for example Sam complaining about having to talk with the Japanese at work or Molly communicating through her art or Oda Mae pretending she can speak to the dead.

Theme formed only a small part of the two days; Bill had plenty more film clips, tools and tips to share with us and I learnt a lot from him. He’s also a highly entertaining speaker so if you get the opportunity to attend one of his courses I would take it. And thanks to Bill I now know there’s much more to Ghost than just Unchained Melody and a pottery wheel.

So you’re writing the climatic scene to your action screenplay, Rotten To The Core. The hero is duking it out with the evil drug lord at The Fruit Expo — he’s smuggling cocaine inside the Granny Smiths — when he gets hold of a bazooka and takes aim. Just when all appears lost, our hero cuts a rope sending a giant replica of a Golden Delicious plummeting down onto the villain — crushing him to death.

Now, giant fruit aside, that’s actually quite a harsh death, you could lose a bit of sympathy with the audience despite the fact the bad guy killed the hero’s family, his partner, his partner’s family, his dog and his dog’s family. So how do you keep the audience on side?

With the action movie one-liner!

After squashing the evil drug dealer, our hero says:

How do you like them apples!

Okay that’s a very bad pun. Like the worst ever. Yet in action films by giving the hero some humorous dialogue they can get away with murder.

Although one-liners are a common staple of action movies, two men (one fictional, one not) are masters at their usage hence their domination of my Top Ten.

Now the finest action movie one-liners ever (that are available on YouTube):

10. Speed

Keanu Reeves skillfully cuts Dennis Hopper “down to size” with this quip. Still doesn’t make up for the fact this film should have ended back at the airport.

9. Commando

Arnie’s first appearance in the Top Ten with a text-book example.

8. You Only Live Twice

Bond is even suave when unleashing the almighty one-liner.

7. Lethal Weapon 2

Although the line of dialogue preceeding it is legendary, Danny Glover’s less famous retort is still class.

6. Live And Let Die

That Yaphet Kotto is nothing but hot air. Snarf.

5. Total Recall

Behold the power of the one-liner as Arnie executes Sharon Stone but comedy makes it okay.

4. Predator

The only thing sharper than The Governor’s wit is his almighty large knife.

3. Hard To Kill

Steven Seagal demonstrating, how only he can, that a one-liner doesn’t have to be funny to be funny.

2.  Goldfinger

The granddaddy of action movie one-liners.

1. Commando

Nobody does it better. Apart from Arnie. From a movie full of great one-liners, delivered by an actor whose career is based on great one-liners. Here comes genius.

And proof that you doesn’t strike gold on your first go…

10. Alabama versus Virgil (True Romance)

It should be a mismatch as a sweet southern belle takes on two hundred pounds of mafia hitman but Alabama’s got two things on her side — true romance and a cork screw. In Tarantino’s original script Virgil was a nimble-footed exponent of martial arts, however someone made a wise-move by getting rid of the roundhouses and unleashing James Gandolfini. His brutishness adds to the suspense and tension as Patricia Arquette uses every object she can lay her hands-on to stay alive. Tom and Jerry be proud!

9. Toby Wong versus Advanced Model (Drive)

Mark Dacascos could have been a contender. Sadly he’s now better known for hosting The Iron Chef but watching Drive you can’t help think what could have been. If you’ve never seen Drive before, track it down. Easily the best martial-arts film to have come out of Hollywood in the last two decades, Drive was released in the same year as The Matrix. Now I admit The Matrix does a good fight scene but  Drive does awesome fight scenes and the climax is the pick of the bunch.

8.Kham versus a hotel (The Warrior King)

If Brian de Palma was to direct a martial arts scene it would be this. From a movie full of amazing fight scenes (Elephant tossing?) comes this tracking shot of Tony Jaa kicking, punching, kneeing and elbowing ass like only Tony Jaa can. Definitely the best hotel inspired violence since Basil gave his car ” a damn good thrashing”.

7. Martin Riggs versus Mr. Joshua (Lethal Weapon)

Forget Ultimate Fighting. Back in 1987, when Mr.Joshua took  “a shot at the title”  is when mixed-martial arts first broke into the mainstream. Choreography was by Rorion Gracie, one of the founders of UFC, hence Riggs successfully defending “the title” not by a punch or a round-house but by a triangle choke hold.

6. King Kong versus T-Rex (King Kong)

Over seventy years old and still pure magic. Dishing out punches like Joe Louis, Kong takes down a dinosaur however my favourite moment is at the end when Kong plays with the T-Rex’s broken jaw. In that one flash of child-like wonder Kong displays more personality than a dozen Paris Hiltons.

5. Thomas versus Thug (Meals on Wheels)

Bringing a together wonderful mixture of martial arts, acrobatics and slapstick Jackie Chan is my favourite movie star ever. When it comes to great fight scenes, Jackie Chan’s back catalogue is an embarrassment of riches. I could have picked the mall scene in Police Story, the roof-top fight in Who Am I? or the ladder fight from First Strike but I’m settling for this — Jackie’s first meeting with Benny “The Jet” Urquidez (the second is Dragons Forever). Tremendous athleticism plus comedy equals Jackie Chan gold.

4. Joe Hallenbeck versus Chet (The Last Boy Scout)

The second entry from a Shane Black script, the one-punch “knockout” is a basic staple of cinematic fight scenes but this is the heavyweight champ of them all. It also serves as a lesson to us all that if Bruce Willis asks for a light, please, just give him a light.

3. Tang Lung versus Colt (Way of the Dragon)

Forget Walker Texas Ranger. Playing Colt in Way of the Dragon is when Chuck Norris was at the height of his powers. Though at the end of the scene when he’s got a broken arm and leg yet still thinks he can take Bruce Lee, Colt displays a level of tenacity that the rest of us would call “stupidity”.

2. Indiana Jones versus 1^st Mechanic (Raiders of the Lost Ark)

No other fight scene best captures the sheer essence of a character. Want to know who Indiana Jones is? See him take on a 6′ 5″, 19 stone German soldier.

1. Martin Blank versus Felix La PuBelle (Grosse Pointe Blank)

If two professional hitmen really did go at it, I think this is exactly what it would be like. John Cusack and Benny The Jet engage in a short but brutal fight that takes each of them to their limits. Face-breakingly brilliant.

Okay would have churned this out sooner but have been out of commission thanks to a very nasty cold.

Anyway I’d better point out  none of the below are direct quotes. It’s more the gist of what people said and reformatted by my caffeine-addled mind.

1. All screenwriters own iPhones. I guess this is because it is an innovative piece of kit and screenwriters are innovative folk. I don’t own an iPhone. I own a six-year-old Samsung that I lost in a hotel on the first night. It was handed in.
2. If you agree to meet up at a Wetherspoons but have no idea how to get there just follow a screenwriter with an iPhone.
3. Don’t dress smart. Successful writers dress like slobs. Producers expect good writers to wear suspiciously stained clothing because they think they’re tortured geniuses. (Doug Chamberlin, Screenwriter)
4. If you ever find yourself pitching to the VP of Production UK for Warner Bros wear a Teen-Wolf t-shirt – he’ll find it cool. Doug Chamberlin may be onto something.
5. Screenwriters aren’t all alcoholics. Proven by the fact the bar at SWF only took 30 quid on its first day. Down-side of this is the next day when you do decide to get your drink on, it’s not bloody there because they’ve decided there’s no demand for it. Bar stools.
6. As delightful as vanilla chai lattes are, they are no substitute for hard liqueur.
7. Where is your compass set? You need to know what you’re overall goal is for your screenwriting career than work back figuring out all the necessary steps to get you there. (Janice Day, Screenwriter/Author/Performer)
8. “P & A” stands for the cost of prints and advertising for a film. Is expensive and increasing every year. (Will Machin, Head of Distribution – Ealing Studios International)
9. Consequently some films never see the light of day of because studios think the actual cost of P & A isn’t worth it. (Will Machin, Head of Distribution – Ealing Studios International)
10. Don’t look for representation – let them come to you when you have credits. (Rob Kraitt, Agent & Kate Leys, Script Editor/Project Development)
11. The difference between strategy and tactics is strategy is “what you want to achieve”; tactics is “how you do it”. (Julian Friedman, Agent)
12. If you encounter Dave Turner don’t mention Superman Returns.
13. Marketing needs to be at the heart of what a writer does. Even before you write the screenplay you need to know how you are going to market it. (Kate Adamson Inspirational Marketing Speaker/ Company Director – Stark Moore Macmillan)
14. Don’t force your memory stick on an agent. Yes, it may be less cumbersome than a script but agents are still not going to take it because it comes from an unknown sources and could contain viruses, spyware or god knows what else. It also sounds  like a horrible euphemism.
15. Your brilliant spec scrip is what get you’re work. Therefore it is worth paying a script-reader (cost should range from £30 to £70) for an analysis of your screenplay. (Julian Friedman, Agent)
16. Marc Price is the nicest guy you’ll ever meet. Fact.
17. Don’t think you won’t succeed because of a lack of talent. Talent is 99% desire. (Janice Day, Screenwriter/Author/Performer)
18. Seventeen years later, Ghostwatch still has the power to make your hairs stand on end. Which is actually a bad thing as I’m way more hairier now than when I was twelve.
19. After watching a clip of Ghostwatch I was reminded of how hot Sarah Greene was. And I’m sure still is. Damn you Mike Smith!
20. Never go with an agent who makes you sign a contract agreeing to representation for a set period of time – you need to be able to fire them. (Julian Friedman, Agent)
21. If I’d come to SWF when it started in 2006 it would have saved me a lot of time. A lot of time.
22. There is only one acceptable currency at SWF — business cards.
23. You’ll get business card envy. Everyone else’s business card is better than yours.
24. Consequently it is impossible to swap business cards and not think of this.
25. The delegate I met with the most successful writing career also had the cheapest business card.
26. A spec script rarely sells. It’s job is to sell the writer. (Julian Friedman, Agent)
27. Never tell an agent a script is “being looked at” — it means nothing. (Rob Kraitt, Agent & Kate Leys, Script Editor/Project Development)
28. Film Four receives 50 solicited scripts a week. (Tessa Ross, Controller of Film and Drama, Channel4/Film4)
29. The prefect development process is the film develops with writer, producer and director all gaining something. (Simon Beaufoy, Screenwriter)
30. The road through the British Film industry is littered with bodies – but they’re all suicides. (Tony Grisoni, Writer/Director)
31. BBC’s Writers Room is not there to pass scripts onto other departments but to give you feedback so you can improve your scripts and get an agent. (Ben Stephenson, Controller Drama Commissioning, BBC)
32. You’ll be pleased to know that according to one Cheltenham sandwich shop – “Soup’s back”. So if you haven’t visited Cheltenham for a couple of years now is surely the time to go back.
33. Dan Turner and James Moran’’s web-thriller looks a bit fab.
34. BBC Film accept submissions directly to them if you have an agent. (Christine Langan, Creative Director – BBC Films)
35. Decide what you’re really good at then market yourself as that. Establish yourself as a brand. (Kate Adamson Inspirational Marketing Speaker/ Company Director – Stark Moore Macmillan)
36. Phill Baron believes He-Man could beat up Lion-O. But could he take Panthro? I doubt it.
37. Participant Media want scripts with global issues.(Jonathan Darby, Development Executive Participant Media)
38. When Participant Media open their offices in London they will accept unsolicited material.(Jonathan Darby, Development Executive Participant Media)
39. If you want to go to the Pentagon and have lunch with some generals it helps if you’re James Galdofini. (Armando Iannucci, Writer/Producer/Director)
40. Attending a Neuro-linguistic programming course is probably more useful than any screenwriting course. (Julian Friedman, Agent )
41. Financially, the five most important words to cinema’s business are “No outside food or drink.” (James Schamus, Screenwriter/CEO Focus Features)
42. James Schamus is not a fan of the three-act structure.
43. The hardest thing to write is the thing you’re writing now. (Steven Moffat, Screenwriter)
44. You can find the address of almost any production company on the PACT website.
45. BBC Films co-produce eight movies are year. (Christine Langan, Creative Director – BBC Films)
46. If you receive notes that you don’t agree with, it’s okay not to change things but you do have to give an explanation why. (Simon Beaufoy, Screenwriter)
47. Genre needs to be used to tell recognisable stories in different ways. (Ben Stephenson, Controller Drama Commissioning, BBC)
48. Demonstrate to people that you’re serious about becoming a professional writer – do a TAPS course, join the Writer’s Guild, attend SWF. (Julian Friedman, Agent)
49. Any writer who says he writes themes is lying. (Steven Moffat, Screenwriter)
50. I would go again.

Regular readers (otherwise known as my Mum) know that my biggest gripe about your typical Hollywood blockbuster is you care nothing about the characters.

Do I care if Ben Affleck wins Kate Hudson’s heart even though he’s the hair dresser at her wedding and she thinks he’s gay? No. Do I care if hot generic TV actress, making the one movie she can fit in between seasons ,escapes decapitation in which ever horror franchise is being rebooted? No. Do I care if Jason Statham cuts the red wire or the blue wire? Okay I admit I do care – it’s Jason Statham. However I don’t feel any emotion over the jeopardy of his character because you always cut the bloody red wire!

Years spent in the multiplexes have left me devoid of any emotion. I’m like Spock — hardcore Leonard Nimoy one, not sissy boy Zachary Quinto who kisses girls and cries when his mum plunges to her death.

However something strange happened to me while watching Up.

I believe there was a neuronal connection between my tear duct and the areas of my brain involved with emotion. I cried like a baby chopping onions.

And that was just the first ten minutes.

It’s hard to describe but I imagine it’s like watching Rocky III for the first time.

Story wise Up is perfect. I know it’s a Pixar movie, their stories are always perfect but this is more perfect than most – it makes Wall-E look like Kung-Fu Panda. No scene, no character, no line of dialogue is extraneous — everything we see and hear is there for a reason. The script is so fab you don’t even notice the film is in 3-D. Usually when you watch a 3-D movie, the effect kind of takes over. But here the script is truly king — the 3-D adds to the story and not, which is the usual case, the hook which the story is forced to hang upon.

On the Bill Martell’s course (which I will eventually write up about — pinky promise) he discussed the concept of a “touchstone” — an object important to the character but also gives the audience a connection with their emotions. Up probably has the best example of a touchstone because when it reappeared at the end of the movie there was again definite moisture forming in my eyes.

I may have said in a previous post that the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay will go to (500) Days Of Summer. I still stand by that comment but the Oscar deserves to go to Bob Peterson and Pete Docter because the script for Up is truly a thing of beauty. Go see it.