How It Works

First read this. Next download script here. Read by next Friday and post your lovely head musings in comments. It’s almost as straight-forward as giving Meryl Streep an Oscar nomination.

Win Win

Screenplay by Tom McCarthy

Story by Tom McCarthy & Joe Tiboni

120 Pages

First-up apologies for the delay in getting this posted but I’ve been away from a computer this week and so my review is a little bit of a rush-job. However, as usual, I’m sure the real gold will come from your comments.

Win Win was a very a pleasant surprise as I found myself enjoying it a lot more than I had expected – it is a simple story but very well told. What I mean by “simple” is that its structure fits neatly into the Hero’s Journey paradigm – the twelve-steps identified by Christopher Vogler.

1. Ordinary World

Mike is a lawyer with a struggling practice. He’s in financial trouble but is keeping it a secret from his wife Abbey. In his spare time Mike coaches a wrestling team.

2. Call to Adventure

Mike could bar-tend to earn extra money but is too proud. Instead he tells a judge that he will act as a guardian for his client, Leo, so that he can get his care commission. Mike tells the court that Leo has asked to live at home but he places him in a care home.

3. Meeting with the Mentor

Leo’s grandson, Kyle, turns up at his house looking to live with him.

4. Refusal of the Call

Mike explains to Kyle that he’s Leo’s guardian and puts him on a bus back home. Kyle though returns to Leo’s house and is arrested. Kyle tells Mike and Abbey that he’s runaway from home as his mother is in a drug clinic while her boyfriend beats him up. Jackie wants Kyle to live with them until his mother gets in touch but Mike is opposed to the idea..

5. Crossing the Threshold

Mike agrees reluctantly that Kyle can stay but his attitude to him changes when he discovers that Kyle is an incredible wrestler. Mike enrols Kyle at school so that he can join the wrestling team.

6. Tests, Allies, and Enemies

With Kyle on the wrestling team, their fortunes start to improve as they begin to win matches. Mike’s best-friend Terry joins them as assistant coach. Kyle’s mother Cindy show’s up and threatens to take legal action unless she can take her father back to Ohio with her. However Mike tells her she’s not in Leo’s will so won’t get any money.

7. Approach to the In-Most Cave

Kyle has a big-match with scouts watching but Kyle, angry with his mother, loses control and gets disqualified. Mike tells Cindy it’s her fault that Kyle lost. She tells him she wants Leo’s care commission. Mike offers her a deal that she can have Leo’s commission and he’ll still look after him as long as she leaves Kyle alone. Cindy refuses as she wants Kyle to come back and live with her.

8. The Supreme Ordeal

Kyle learns the truth that Mike lied to him about his grandfather. Mike tries to talk to him but Kyle pummels him with wrestling moves before running away. Mike is forced to explain to Jackie that he did what he did because they need the money. Jackie storms off.

9. The Reward

Mike, knowing he has screwed-up, tries to make things right – he moves Leo back to his home, he is truthful with Jackie and she forgives him, he apologies to Kyle and asks for another chance.  However Kyle just wants to be left alone.

10. The Road Back

Kyle forgives Mike and rejoins him for breakfast at the family table.

11. The Resurrection

Mike goes to court knowing that he’s going to lose his practice but before it goes to trial Cindy agrees that her father can stay in his house and Kyle can live with Mike and his family as long as she can have Leo’s commission.

12. Return with the Elixir

Kyle lives with Mike and family. Mike, to be able to pay his bills, has taken a second-job in the evening as a bartender but he’s happy.

The Hero’s Journey has been used in numerous films from Star Wars to Four Weddings and a Funeral but a solid structure can only take you so far. Fortunately Win Win has lots more things going for it – it’s an effective comedy and a touching drama thanks to some realistic characters and nice dialogue. I haven’t yet seen the actual film but after reading the screenplay it’s now at the top of my LoveFilm rental list because it’s winning.

Next Week

It’s time to grow up disgracefully with Young Adult.

How It Works

First read this. Next download script here. Read by next Friday and post your lovely head musings in comments. It’s almost as easy as writing the dialogue for The Artist.

50/50

Screenplay by Will Reiser

120 Pages

 Right – a change of plan this week. This wasn’t the shooting script of 50/50 (as evident by the fact the title of the screenplay is I’m With Cancer) but an earlier draft therefore, as I’d hate someone to review an early draft of one of my screenplays, I think it would be unfair to critique this because it’s not finished. Instead I’m going to compare this draft with my (sketchy) memory of the film  and make some suggestions as to why changes were made.

The opening of the script has a four page sequence where Adam goes to the hospital and does a number of embarrassing medical tests. In the film we never see Adam get tested instead it opens on him going for an early morning run. There’s no dialogue but I think this introduction tells us a lot more about Adam as a character as 1) it shows he’s healthy and 2) there’s a telling moment on how Adam plays things safe – as despite the road being deserted he waits for the lights to change before crossing. It lacks the humour of the script’s opening but tells us quite a bit about our protagonist in a fraction of the page count. Also there’s the scriptwriting principle that you should arrive in the story as late as possible I think the script’s opening is a case of turning up way too early.

The next difference that I noted was when Adam breaks the news of his illness to Seth. In this draft of the script the humour comes from Seth being upset Adam didn’t tell him straight away but in the film it plays out like this:

I prefer this version – I just think it’s a lot funnier, especially how Seth really struggles with the  news of Adam’s cancer until he explains his chances are 50/50 – then Seth is really optimistic that Adam will beat it, showing he doesn’t really grasp the odds of the prognosis.

The character of Rabbi Jacobs is not in the film. I read an article where Seth Rogen (who plays Seth in the film and is friends in real-life with Reiser) says the character was removed (as was the coffin shopping scene) because, although the scenes where funny, it was unrealistic. Rogen thinks Reiser might have been “…reaching for the comedy too hard at times in the first draft, probably because he was scared about making a super-serious cancer movie, which none of us wanted to make.”  This is something I’m guilty with my own writing – I sometimes focus more on “bringing the funny” at the expense of story development. Reading this draft I did not think the Rabbi Jacobs character really added anything extra to the story or to Adam’s character development.

The script has two dream sequences which are omitted from the film. Personally I would always resist adding a dream sequence unless it can add something to the story that you cannot do by other means. Again I think this was the right choice to make as neither of the dream sequences added anything and actually slowed down the story.

One minor character difference is that of Mitch – in the script he’s 85 years old but in the film he’s in his early fifties also he dies in the film but Alan does not. I’m guessing the age change to someone younger is to increase the potential threat of Adam’s cancer. While maybe Alan was spared in the film just to stop things becoming too bleak as it is a comedy-drama. Margaret, Mitch’s wife, only has a tiny part in the film – to highlight how supportive she is in contrast to Rachel – and does not appear in the final scene like she does in the script.

One of the film’s big moments is when Adam shaves his hair-off in an attempt to help him accept his cancer. It’s totally missing from this draft of the script but I think it shows Adam trying to make an important step and visually it’s very effective so I think it’s a nice addition.

Adam’s mother in the film, Edith, is a much more sympathetic character. In this version of the screenplay she’s a bit of a monster who adds to Adam’ stresses. I believe they made a good move as the script version of Edith was just a bit too over-the-top and distracted us from the real negative influence in Adam’s life – Rachel. In the script just before Adam has his operation, he expresses his fear that he’s going to die to Katie but in the film it’s Edith. The fact that he says this to his mother, I feel, shows how frightened he is and makes the character of Adam that much more realistic.

I think the most significant difference between this draft of the script and the film is Adam and Rachel’s relationship. In the script their break-up comes at the end of the second act, while in the film it is closer to the mid-point.

In the screenplay Adam discovers Rachel infidelity by reading her text messages and also Seth shows him some photos of her cheating. In the movie they use only the latter – maybe because Adam really only needs to find out one way otherwise it’s overkill. The way Seth obtains the photographic evidence of Rachel’s affair is slightly better as it relies slightly less on coincidence – he’s on a date with Claire (the girl he picked up at the book store) at an art gallery –  and has a lot more humour.

The in the film there is nice visual moment of Adam coping with his anger towards Rachel by destroying a painting she gave him.

Earlier in the script, Rachel and Adam attempt to have sex but are interrupted by the dog and the moment is gone.This is not in the screenplay instead after the break-up, Seth takes Adam out and they pick-up two girls. However Adam cannot “perform” due to his chemotherapy. Again I’d argue this is a better scene because it puts the focus again back on his cancer as it shows how it now affects him trying to move on with his love-life.

The big-break through in Adam’s relationship with Katie is when she gives him a lift home and he can finally relax with her and open-up. In the script this scene comes about because Rachel forgets to pick him up (in the film she does eventually show after keeping him waiting for hours) but in the film it occurs because now Rachel’s gone he has to catch the bus back home from the hospital so Katie takes him home. By moving the break-up earlier, Reiser doesn’t have to junk too much of what he’s written, he just use it elsewhere and it still works.

Overall I think the “I’m With Cancer” script is okay but it’s great that Reiser didn’t rest on his laurels and kept redrafting because the shooting script is stronger than it in every aspect – character, structure, tone. If you can track down the shooting script, I’d love to read it.

Next Week

It’s a win-win situation with Win Win.

This is because when I was drafting the script it slipped my mind that slasher movie bad-guys always have a trademark weapon – in Nightmare on Elm Street, Freddy has his razor glove, in the Friday 13^th series Jason’s got his machete and in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Leatherface has…

Well I forget what Leatherface  uses… the fact is as a fan of the slasher movie sub-genre I should have had this figured out when I wrote the screenplay but it just goes  to prove that sometimes you can overlook the fundamentals of genre.

As a positive I’ve turned this omission to an advantage and I’m using this as a way of interacting with our future audience – we’re asking them to choose what weapon we use from a short-list of five. One of the contributing factors to succeeding with crowd funding is to create opportunities that allow two-way interaction.  Admittedly this opportunity has arisen from an epic fail by me but I’ll take my opportunities where I can.

You can find the poll here on our Facebook page or here on the NYE blog. I would really appreciate your participation and besides where else will you get the opportunity to vote on how death is dealt out?

Not even Simon Cowell does that. Yet.

How It Works

First read this. Next download script here. Read by next Friday and post your lovely head musings in comments. It’s almost as easy as Michael Fassbender in Shame.

Bridesmaids

Screenplay by Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig

109 Pages

I ‘d marry it.

Yes, I have a lot of love for Bridesmaids and obviously the credit goes to to Mumolo & Wiig for writing such a fantastic script – however you cannot overlook the contribution of producer Judd Apatow. Our protagonist Annie walks a very similar path to the heroes of Apatow’s The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up – characters who all struggle to face-up to the responsibilities in their lives. That being said I think Bridesmaids is superior to both because at the centre of the story is a great protagonist.

Annie is a carefully-crafted character who could have easily become unsympathetic due to her behaviour (especially her later treatment of Lillian and Rhodes) however we like her because 1) she’s funny and 2) tragically flawed – Annie won’t allow people to help her because she won’t help herself. As Megan tells her:

…I do not associate with people that blame the world for their problems cause you’re your problem Annie, and you’re also your solution. You get that?

Annie chooses to rent an apartment that she cannot afford with a horrible brother and sister rather than moving-in with her kind mother. She’s a terrific cake-maker yet rather than trying to make that career work she settles for a job she hates so much she can’t even fake liking it. Annie’s in a terrible relationship with Ted who treats her awfully yet when she meets nice-guy Rhodes she runs from him the moment he tries to help her pick her life up.

By the end of the second-act a writer’s aim is to have their protagonist at their lowest point – Mumolo & Wiig certainly achieve that with Annie. She has lost her job, her home, the one man who cares for her and ironically her best-friend. Losing Lillian is what Annie (irrationally) fears most and her actions throughout the story are her way at trying to stop it happening yet it’s these deeds that end up creating a rift in their friendship.

I would always argue that Annie’s biggest antagonist in the story is herself however the presence of Helen is the catalyst for most of her poor choices. Breaking Bridesmaid into three stages, I first thought Lillian announcement of her marriage was the story’s  inciting incident however I now think  it’s the introduction of Helen. She is rich, beautiful, cultured and married consequently Annie feels threatened that she may replace her as Lillian’s best friend.

My favourite scene in the screenplay is between Annie and Helen as they try to out-do each other in giving Lillian’s engagement toast – it’s funny and also sets up the conflict that will go on during the rest of the story. Yet despite coming across as mirror opposite they both are driven to win Lillian’s friendship because they both have the same fear of being alone. Helen has no other friends, her husband is away most of the time and her step-kids hate her.

Of course Annie’s fear of losing Lillian to Helen is ill-founded because at the end of the story Annie saves Lillian wedding because she has one thing Helen does not – she really “knows” Lillian.

Annie and Helen aside – there’s some other nicely-written characters like Ted and Rhodes however it’s Megan who really shines. Like Alan from The Hangover she’s a bit of an oddball and the source of a lot of humour yet she’s no idiot – she’s the one responsible for making Annie finally see sense.

Stylistically I thought the script was a quick and easy read for 109 pages – plenty of white on the pages. Interestingly character descriptions (with the exception of ages) were non-existent except for the more “extreme” characters like Ted, Helen, Megan but even then it was still no more than a line. Yet these brief descriptions quickly helped us get a handle on them.

Annie and Lillian stand with MEGAN, 30′s, tomboyish, looking a bit odd in her floral dress.

Even reading the script it still comes across as very witty – the dialogue is sharp and in places laugh out loud funny. I know some reviewers objected to the the gross-out humour that comes from the dress-fitting set-piece but it is very well written and made me smile just from reading it. Even tiny details like Megan stealing the puppies from the bridal shower amused me. Yet despite all the comedy crammed into the script it never got in the way of the story.

So what didn’t work for me? I did think some of the more dramatic dialogue involving Rhodes and Annie and Megan and Annie as they try and talk sense to her was a bit too much on the nose. Also, and, this could be partly due to the poster as it suggest they have a large part to play in the story but I felt Rita and Becca were underdeveloped as characters. The practically disappear from the final act and was left wondering if they were going to start a romantic relationship together.

The above though are minor grumbles as I really liked this script. With the exception of Crazy, Stupid, Love, Bridesmaids was my favourite comedic screenplay of 2011. Smart and intelligent it’s more Apatowian than even Judd Apatow.

Next Week

I’m as serious cancer when I say we’ll be reading 50/50.

Yes, with the WGA announcing their screenplay nominations it can mean that award season is just around the corner – but before that corner is a little side-street called David & Judy’s Script Club.

Now some of you have been down that side-street plenty of times (and always come back for more) but if it’s your first time venturing down this particular cul-de-sac let me explain the dealio.

The three pieces of advice I would always suggest to help screenwriters improve are: 1. Read scripts 2. Read scripts and 3. Read MORE scripts!  Therefore each week I set a script for us all to read – then seven days later I will publish my take and then you’ll publish your thoughts underneath which I promise not to use in cocktails bar to try and impress hot chicks.

First up is the Apatowian comedy and WGA nominated Bridesmaids which you can download here.

Right – meet you back here in a week!